Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I think I'm in denial...

Originally posted on the Palmetto Peloton Project's Ride to Austin blog site.

I have spent many years avoiding serious emotional expression. I have insulated myself against almost anything. Almost any event that happens, I have found a way to shield myself from the real emotional effects of it. Nothing really gets to me….at least until I got involved with the Challenge to Conquer cancer.

When I began, it was another grand adventure – with a pretty serious commitment to raise some money for this cause. As I sit here tonight, just 5 days before we make our departure, it has become something else.

I don’t have anyone who is very close to me that has experienced the horrible effects of cancer or treatments related to cancer. I sit in my little insulated world without any real clue how difficult it is for those engaged in the battle and the loved ones of those engaged.

What has changed? Obviously, this experience has directly exposed me to people who are survivors, to people who are currently battling and to those who have lost a loved one.

Still, I find myself avoiding the real emotional expression of what I am seeing around me. In the last several weeks, a number of emails have circulated amongst the P3C3 crew about warriors who have fought their final battle and of others who have been called to fight again.

I’m afraid of the emotions associated with this news.

I want to believe that everyone in the world has it as good as I do. I want to believe that cancer doesn’t really affect as many people as it really does. I want to believe that people don’t really suffer through their battles…

Obviously, I’m still not coming face to face with reality. I am still in the denial phase of my relationship with cancer. I’m still afraid of the reality of it.

I only hope I am as strong as our Warriors when it comes time for me to face the reality.

jd – team polka dot

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